To the Citizens of The Fifty Colonies…

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of ‘-ize.’

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

God Save the Queen.

(Most of my heritage is English & Welsh anyways, so I think I’ll survive under the new — well, old — management quite fine, thank you very much).

Jackson Williams.

(courtesy of Snopes.)

3 thoughts on “To the Citizens of The Fifty Colonies…

  1. Funny! Sometimes i wonder what Great Britain truly thinks about the spin off known as the USA. We certainly have made a mess of things over the centuries since independence was declared from King George.

    • I like to think of it like this: one night we were sitting at Great Britain’s table, looking all sullen, and when the Mother(land) asked us what the matter was, America, being America, declared: “I WANT OUT OF THIS HOUSE! I’M TIRED OF YOUR RULES! I WANNA BE A ROCK STAR!” And so England doubled down on the rules and regulations, and so we moved out (or, in other words, we “totally went to war with mom over our stuff! It’s our stuff, what business is it of hers?”). And then England left, realizing that in our rebellion all we really wanted to do was to grow up and be just like England — a strong, powerful empire. Just like Mom was.

      And then, over the years — first, the frigid “we’re not speaking” era, and, then, our second battle with Mother(land) — we began to achieve our dream. We became the empire-building rock stars of the world. And Mother looked on, ashamed of our wretched vices and love of guns (“yes, Sam, I heard you blew up that island — good for you, but Mommy’s very, very tired at the moment…”) but still a Mother nonetheless.

      And now here we are, an entire nation suffering from a post-empire hangover, and now our elderly Mother just looks over at us, shocked and mystified that we’re even still breathing.

      “There’s my rich, arrogant, loud & incredibly spontaneous son…he’s crazy, but he’s got a heart. I’ll wait until morning to cut up his credit-cards.”

      I consumed waaaaaaayyy too much coffee at work today.

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