So, here’s the story:
Most of my ideas come to me when I’m really, really bored.
A few weeks back a buddy and I were sitting around watching television, cracking jokes, insulting each other, insulting people on the television, etc. etc. I’m not sure how it happened, but we went off on a tangent and came up with an idea:
There’s “crack rap,” right? Has someone created “meth rap”? Or would it be “tweeker rap”? “crittler rap”? It doesn’t matter. Let’s create two rapper alter-egos that are obsessed with methamphetamine, much like you hear crack constantly referenced in rap/hip-hop. We’ll find someone to create a beat, and then we’ll find someone to make a really crappy music video for us. We’ll post it on YouTube. It’ll be flawless. Well, maybe not flawless, but it’s something to kill a weekend with….
As soon as this idea was hatched I became Cap ‘N Cook, a super fly ex-con who could rhyme with the best of them, a terrifying rap-hybrid composed mainly of Tupac Shakur, Dr. Dre, and that crazy fucking tweeker who’s stealing your stereo as you read this. Also: he’s a manic-depressive and a megalomaniac, and his delusions of grandeur are amplified to insane heights by his equally delusional love of crystal methamphetamine. My buddy, my comedy partner-in-crime, was thus christened General Shacknasty, the smoooooove one of the group, dumb as a fucking post but always, always, ALWAYS has your back in a rap-battle, and he prefers to call what he does “tweeker R &B, like an Usher who’s been up for three whole days.” That’s fine. Whatever.
After we created our alter-egos and wrote down a bunch of lyrics to go along with our new comedy venture, I called up our mutual friend Trevor, the “musical genius of the bunch,” and asked him if he would like to take part in this ridiculously stupid project. Trevor, of course, said “absolutely, dawg.” He could’ve just said “yes” or “sure,” but I respect him for keeping with the theme and throwing the word “dawg” in instead. It shows you’re committed to the project, no matter how ridiculous or stupid it is. I respect that. Trevor also brought in Thomas, another mutual friend of ours/Trev’s bandmate, and from there we went to work. Trevor, Thomas and I were also the people responsible for the “musical abortion” SHOCKER LIZARD!! (yes, that’s a link to a MySpace music page, circa 2005). If you listen real close to the intro of the song “My Chainsaw Baby,” I’m the one who goes by the name Jamal. We were 17 and we were — guess what? — complete fucking idiots. But I still find it sort of hilarious, especially the questionnaire we filled out on the side. Give that a read.
Beats are being made, lyrics are done, and now we’re moving on to the music video stage, which will be directed by all four of us. It’ll be released sometime within the next two weeks.
There’s a catch: Trevor needs to be in the video and we decided that he should be the DJ in the background. And, since he’s in the video and part of the project, he needs a name/persona to back up his involvement. It’s only natural, right? So, we got really bored and started creating a list of names, the only caveat being that the name/persona has to be “creepy,” methamphetamine-related or — preferably — a mixture of both. I feel like we’re going to hell just by taking part in this.
I already feel bad for wasting your time. Goddamnit. Here’s what we came up with:
1. DJ Gross.
2. DJ RapeComplex — no idea what the fuck this one means. Not a clue.
3. DJ Murderboner — named after my Fantasy Football team!
4. DJ 2nd Degree Assault & Battery
5. DJ Vomit
6. DJ Crystal Meth
7. DJ Sodomy Funtime
8. DJ Powerthrust — how creepy does that sound? Just say “Powerthrust.”
9. DJ Chloroform
10. DJ Drano
11. DJ Disgusting
12. DJ Rusty-Nutz
13. DJ ‘Lil Nuts
14. DJ ‘Lil Wang
15. DJ Wine Cooler? — ha!
16. DJ Automatic Rape — I have no idea what it means but someone is going to Hell for it.
17. DJ Jester The Meth Investor.
I’m so, so sorry. The video for I’m Gonna Call You (On My Cricket) debuts sometime within the next two weeks. I’ll post a link to it here on the blog when it’s up and running…and may God have mercy on our souls. Happy Saturday. Go Ducks. Quack.
— Jackson Williams, aka “Cap ‘N Cook.”